Gay dating high standards
I certainly believe you need a good sprinkling of both in order to walk, hand in hand, with any confidence into a joint future.
Gay Men's Bodily Attractiveness: Why a Higher Standard?
Insisting on a relationship where friendship and sex are equal partners from the outset may be narrowing your field. People meet in mysterious ways. That was definitely a case of lust at first sight. The realisation that they had a spark for each other that transcended the bedroom came as a surprise to them both.
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Could it be time to rip off your lifejacket and jump in at the deep end? Sticking to the rules rarely nets love. I have other friends who, after 10 years of platonic friendship, developed an overnight attraction to each other that baffled all in their inner circle. Love is not for the risk averse. There are winners and losers, and few of us find satisfaction after a totally smooth ride.
You need to develop a little more of a robust approach to romance and stop digging your heels in as though virtue will secure you a perfect prince. I appreciate that your youthful determined monogamy is unusual and your standards are no doubt admirable, but are you having a good time? Ironically, in a world full of choice, choosing becomes an increasing challenge.
My advice is to take a step back from your ambitious selection criteria, enjoy your friends and lovers without thinking ahead and let one thing imperceptibly lead to another. Being gay is confusing. Once we break the norm, and find comfortability within our own sexuality, everything else is up for debate. Who do we want to be? Who do we want to date? Do we want to get married?
Do we want kids? Do we want to be monogamous?
Gay dating – finding love with Attractive World
Who, if we do meet, we most likely end up sleeping with, and confusing the relationship further. Revert back to points 1 and 2. As gay men we grow up hiding parts of ourselves because gay still is considered different, and in a lot of places, bad. We feel like we have to hide a part of ourselves everyday for many formative years, which means we are neglecting other parts of ourselves that should be receiving precious energy.
So when we finally do come out, we often confuse this as dealing with our issues, when in fact, this is just the beginning to dealing with what our issues really are. Because we held back from being authentically ourselves for most of our adolescence and the beginning of our adult lives, we get a chance to do it all over when we come out.
The cherry on top of all of this, is that this usually happens in a big city, or at least some place bigger than the hometown we grew up in, where excess is welcomed. The question is, when is enough enough? Gay men are beyond picky, and we feel like we can be because with social media the pool of possibilities feels endless. We are men with egos, and we strive to be the best at everything we do because it was something we learned as closeted children.
However, this tends to lead to us having crazy expectations for ourselves, and therefore our mates as well.
Everyone is supposed to look like a model, have an Adonis body, be super successful, like everything we like, and fit the molds we've created that no one can ever actually live up to. Dreamboat is ready. His ego is hurt. Add to the fact that gays often date with the seasons, and half the year is either thought of as warm single, and often slutty season, or as a cold cuddling more relationship based time of the year.
We forget that we are still animals, and like our furry friends, our bodies change with the tides and seasons in a very natural way.
Are my standards set too high for guys? May need a dose of realism from the RJ community!
However, gay men are quick to use the seasons as an excuse to why we are "allowed" to behave in certain ways. We aren't definitely going to have kids, which is why most heterosexual people start to couple up and settle down. And even today straight couples are waiting longer and longer to have children. However, even when we do couple up, the way in which we operate as couples is quite different than straight couples.
Why is it so hard to find a guy I like as well as fancy?
Add to the fact that a lot of our friends are single, and it becomes almost more normal to be single in the gay world than in a healthy relationship. We even joke that gay years are like dog years for relationships. And for better or worse, the second something starts to go sour, we have reminders that there are men everywhere. Our social circles are full of these perpetual bachelors, who appear to enjoy their singledom, and constantly question why we are looking to settle down. We all have a friend or two, who claims to love being single, but through candid conversations it become apparent he isn't addressing his deeper wounds from past loves and life.
These single gay friends come with their own baggage, and will often project that we too need to sow our wild oats. Getting married wasn't an option for our community until very recently, so commitment from a legal standpoint was actually far from a lot of our minds. This in some subconscious way made us less serious when it came to dating.
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It's easier to just keep reverting back to all the other points that making dating hard than it is to try and work on something with someone we thought we really liked. Dating is hard, being in a couple is hard, but it shouldn't be this hard, right?