Gay aspie dating
You're so welcome my friend; FYI; we have the 'Transcendental Rainbow Cafe' in the Social Zone if you want to drop by for a chat and introduce yourself. Hope to see you there.. After a difficult life I had a disaster in my work life that had changed as things do. A deep depression pushed me to seek help and I have had a diagnosis of Asperger's or ASD as it is now. Slowly, I had felt something was not all there a longtime ago.
I never related to my family or colleagues in a way that met their emotional needs; I miss social cues, and have the intuition of an earthworm. No longer young and pretty, life is dismal especially as I have lost my identity attachment I had with my work. Being gay and old holds no joy and I face homophobia everyday.
I am receiving psychological care; however, I also have PTSD from a life lived with too many injuries. I hope to have some conversations here as I have great difficulty meeting new people.
My life in sex: the autistic gay man | Life and style | The Guardian
Hi Midday, congrats on your first post. I'm sorry to read you're feeling no joy in growing older. It must be tough to lose a big part of your identity with your work disaster. Looking forward to hearing more from you, maybe we can talk some more about how you can rebuild in this new phase of life. I think it can often be hard as a gay person to find 'your people', being understood is so important. Thanks Marcus, I am trying, but I am struggling. Hi Midday, this post might sound a bit weird and vague, so I hope you'll stick with it.
Right now you're feeling really lost, and understandably so. But I want to pick up on 'there is no place for me now'. Think about that word 'place'. What is it? The dictionary says place means 'a particular position, point, or area in space, a location'.
Where are you sitting when you read this post, and write your next one? Aren't you technically in a 'place'? Now that might seem like I'm nitpicking, but stay with me: It may not be a place that you like right now, or a place that you feel has meaning for you. But you are still here, and have a place in the world. You always will. The next step is to find that meaning.
Now that's a big job, but look how far you've come through life already with all your challenges and heartbreaks. There's an old Winston Churchill saying, 'when you're going through hell, keep going'. For motivation, I've found that starting small really helps, especially if everything seems overwhelming. Some days your goal might just be to get out of bed and take a shower. But set those little goals and push yourself a little further each day.
When you're ready to think a bit bigger, maybe reflect on what work meant for you. How did it make you feel? What was it about your work that gave you joy? Once you've thought about that, you can then start thinking about ways you can get that feeling in other ways. What do you think? I don't have a thread of my own on here, I just visit this section and reply to other threads and join in: We never did anything.
If you don't learn the rules for navigating, life gets boring and repetitive. I am fast-forwarding through things that are largely repetitive of the above situations. For example, there was the guy who asked me out while I was an arbitrage clerk at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. He was on the phones, picking up orders, and I'd stand in the British Pound pit, flashing hand signals to him to tell him what was bid and offer.
He'd flash back a hand signal like, buy ten at twenty. Then he started using other sorts of hand signals open-outcry hand-signals are way more than just market indicators, believe me. I went. We dated. To get rid of him, I told him I was a lesbian and I only wanted to date him if there could be another woman there, too. That didn't just make him pursue me with more fervor. It made the whole trading floor pursue me. And I had no idea why. Do not get obsessively sidetracked by things that do not require social interaction. So then I get married.
The first time. We both have Asperger's. We both like reading about sex, but having it is more traumatic.
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He would not go down on me, so I started writing obsessively about his not going down on me. Like the time he told me he couldn't do it because he had a toothache. We had sex, but he didn't like that it was messy, and I liked writing about it better than doing it. We had sex two times in six years after we had a kid. And I got pregnant both times because I have studied my ovulation since I was 24, and I'm an ace at sticking my finger up my vagina and 1 gauging how open my cervix is and 2 pulling out some mucus on my finger and checking to see how elastic it is.
Even now I can't help getting excited about ovulation. Go to the bathroom right now and check your cervical mucus. It's fascinating. If it's elastic you are ovulating. I can peg my ovulation to the hour if I check every half-hour, which I can do because I can stick my hand in my vagina anywhere—even in a job interview, if the person leaves the room to get some water.
So that's why I was able to have a kid and a miscarriage only having sex two times. Rules never stop coming at you, they just get infinitely more nuanced. And now, here I am with the farmer. At this point, sex should be low pressure for me.
I am one of the one percent of women who can have an orgasm just by thinking about having an orgasm. I'm not sure why this is. Maybe because my mom taught me to do Kegel exercises before I even got my first period. I can orgasm ten times before the guy has one. But the nonverbal cues you do to get to the sex really stress me out. It seems like a dance. When you date, there's the official dance date you do, which I can handle.
I've been dating enough to know you do dinner, talk, go to someone's house, move close, kiss, lay down, get close to sex, go to bed. That's the dance. I know where we are and what's coming next. But if you're married, there's no dance. You are just there, in bed. So the dance becomes a micro dance. There are little cues you give the other person, a careful touch in a spot you don't usually touch, a kiss that is a kiss that means this-is-not-a-goodnight-kiss, a pointed question like, did the kids fall asleep?
These are tiny cues that have to come with other, tiny cues. The subtle stuff. Just tell me you want to have sex. So we went back to the dance. And I tried to pay close attention to nonverbal cues and then respond with the appropriate nonverbal cue. Sometimes I can do that. Like if I take a Xanax. But a lot of times, he gives one nonverbal cue, like breathing warm and wet next to my ear. And I curl up in a ball. I curl up in a ball and tell him I'm too anxious to have sex.
Even after we have had sex hundreds of times. I still do it. At first he couldn't believe it. But then he saw that I don't know left and right, really, and my math skills end, largely, at third grade, and I am an idiot savant when it comes to memorizing statistics about Gen Y tendencies at work. So now he's learned to believe anything. And he has learned that the only way to get me uncurled is to talk to me.
He does facts. He says what he's doing with his hands, what he is feeling, what we will do, what I have done, he tries to stick to facts. And he narrates his movements as he goes. And he does not expect me to move or speak, until I've heard enough verbal cues to get back in the game. Sometimes, when the farmer was dumping me, and people were saying, how can you stick with him? Posted by jim on November 18, at They test them and make them show their clean bill of health before intercourse. Posted by Ken on March 13, at 7: I think you miss the point.
Posted by Scott on October 16, at Posted by Lisa on November 18, at Posted by Erika on November 18, at Posted by april boughton on March 3, at And then those women might end up responding in different ways. Some might have a lot of anxiety about sex, or become frigid, or decide only to have sex with other women, while some can maybe only have an orgasm while fantasizing about incest.
The important lesson to take away is that the fuzzy-focus Penthouse fantasy of a woman enjoying herself is just that: And a male fantasy. Real life sex is much more complicated. Posted by Shannon on November 18, at Posted by Yeah, right on November 25, at 8: Posted by Dani on November 30, at As a person who indeed was molested as a child and is still in therapy because of it Shut up!
I decided that one thing I could do with my anger was speak publicly about what happened to me. I did and I do. Have done so for years. He is probably surrounded and will never know it because women will not make themselves vulnerable to someone as vicious as he is. Posted by Evy on January 27, at 3: I was molested, I have aspergers, my mind repressed the memories in order to protect itself. My aunt was molested. My step sister. My grandma. My old best friend. My boyfriends sister. My aunt lee. It makes me very sad, and I really wish you were right but unfortunately that statistic might not be as much bs as you think.
I am happy for you, though. I am happy that you remain so ignorant to this topic, and I hope for your sake you remain that way. I wish I could sit along with you and laugh at crazy feminist statistics. Posted by jackie on December 24, at 4: Most likely you were scammed. Posted by Ganondox on February 2, at 7: Posted by C on May 9, at 1: R u phucken seriously attempting to say some off the wall matter fact lame-o shyt like um excuse me memories dont wk like that and b for real?
Well as a aspie and molestation survivor who arrived at the knowledge of the true events some 20 yrs later while attending the mans funeral…….. Even when I was asked so many years ago. Posted by Christina Trepagnier on June 1, at 4: Posted by William on March 16, at 2: You never, ever fail to amuse, inspire and delight me with your breathtaking honesty. Posted by Alison May on November 18, at Interesting post.
Although alot of what you said resonated with myself as well. At some point both my girls and myself have had conversations about birth control. I take them personally to get a shot. Posted by Mylinda on November 18, at Posted by Jeffrey on November 18, at 1: Posted by Nancy on November 18, at Posted by jypsy on November 18, at Is this a controversial topic? But I changed the sentence, anyway. Just in case. Posted by Penelope Trunk on November 18, at 7: Why is that ironic? Posted by Camels With Hammers on November 28, at I think being politically correct is silly, what is the point of beading around the bush like that when just saying it is so much more direct and uncomplicated?
Omg, I love ur soul chic. Politicaly correct labelingof aspergers, funny shyt ijs touche. But I will anyway. Stay away from mercury, gluten, dairy. Posted by Susan on February 21, at 1: Posted by Savannah on August 25, at So, yes it is Autism but a very mild form of it. Posted by Colleen on September 14, at And why are you saying that autism and aspergers are not the same? They are the exact same, just on far different ends of the spectrum! I have aspergers, and I have grown up around those with autism my dad used to work in the homes for older people with disabilities and I know that they are just like me but they are trapped.
Having Aspergers can already make you feel slightly trapped inside yourself, but Autism takes that to a whole new level. Those with autism are often times completely functional people — inside their head. Do not speak of things which you know nothing about. It makes you look foolish. Posted by Taryn on November 18, at Thank you. Your brave piece is a wonderful contribution to the sorely-lacking sexuality aspect of our world.
Posted by Michael John Carley on November 18, at 1: Granted I have never had sex but I have done sexual things with a few guys. I have not had difficulties with the sexual area with guys. My issues with guys would be more of a social nature not sexual. Anyhow, maybe I am not as severe an Aspie as Penelope.
Posted by Colleen on September 15, at I realize that video was a parody. Was it supposed to be funny? In fact, I found it very insulting. By the way, I do not have Aspergers, but my year-old son does. Posted by PamN on November 18, at 1: Thank you again for a great post. I attending a workshop for parents and kids with intellectual disabilities and we were comparing notes about sexuality and behaviours esp with the boys i. It is a tough one for sure and it is great to have your open and honest view. Thanks again once more for your insights and sharing.
Posted by Izzy on November 18, at 1: But some things still just stand alone. Posted by Dani on November 18, at 2: Good grief Dani, autism is not caused by abuse. Why would you say something like this? Were one genetically predisposed to be alcoholic, one could abstain from alcohol however difficult and have a typical life free from the ravages of the disorder. The only way one who inherits it could be neurologically typical is if they ceased to exist once autism became evident.
There is no choice involved to which one could exercise their control to not be neurologically atypical. Posted by Kathleen on November 18, at 4: I dunno.
Sexuality on the autism spectrum
An inability to read social skills, well, there are little kids who begin school and are abused due to neglect. They have these problems! Seems possible to me! What we know about AS and alcoholism is evolving. Not all alcoholism is genetic. Some is situational. There goes your theory!
Posted by Lisa on November 19, at 5: Those other symptoms are common to all addictions, and they come from abuse. I used to work as a drug and alcohol counselor for teens, and elsewhere in the field before that, and the organization I worked for had regular in-service trainings in which, no matter which professional was giving it, the link between abuse and addiction was very clear and accepted. There are therapies that can relieve an increasing number of the symptoms over time if you continue using them, is all, mainly in the form of twelve-step programs. And yeah — what Lisa said is one reason!
As opposed to the many people out there who are in denial about their abuse or are still repressing it, I mean. That is: I found this hilarious comment on one blog:. It can be caused by any trauma in early infancy. Posted by Dani on November 19, at 5: Posted by td on February 26, at 5: How cruel and dishonoring of her life and her past. The symptoms of childhood trauma can present similarly to Aspergers. It is not that simple to distinguish which are reactions to sexual abuse or Aspergers.
Posted by mcbm on November 30, at 2: Posted by Dani on November 30, at 2: Posted by Rishona on December 23, at 3: No kidding! My year old son has Aspergers and if he has ever been abused, I would like to know how, when and where. Where did she get this?! Autism is likely genetic with an environmental trigger.
My son did have a somewhat traumatic c-section birth, and I did have pre-eclampsia at the end of my pregnancy with him. But abuse? That is an accusation and clearly does not fit any of the kids I know with autism. Good grief. Posted by Lisa Z on April 4, at 7: I get it, Penelope. I get tired if my partner tries to play too many games and then I get bored and grouchy. I always want to know if they make a pill for that. To create the mood. Posted by AutieZombieGirl on November 18, at 2: Truly a masterpiece. Posted by Chris Yeh on November 18, at 2: Outstanding writting. What a great example of entertaining, information.
I love your opening sentence! Posted by Chuck Rylant on November 18, at 2: Posted by Will on November 18, at 2: This post is insane. I read all your posts and this one is my favorite so far. Posted by Srini Venkataramani on November 18, at 3: Posted by Kathleen on November 18, at 3: Posted by ella on November 18, at 3: Posted by Carol Saha on November 18, at 4: Posted by Mark W.
I often wonder why I continue to read this blog until a post like this one comes along. Posted by Virgil Starkwell on November 18, at 4: I never knew anything about cervical mucus before. Posted by Harriet May on November 18, at 4: Always such a delightful, honest, shocking and overall sincere read. Thank you for lightening up an otherwise stressful day for me! Posted by Robbin on November 18, at 4: Hi Penelope, Thanks for the post, this is great.
Posted by Kevin Burke on November 18, at 4: I never had the problems with sex which you describe here because I discovered in my childhood that there were these quaint things called books, which could be gotten for FREE from any library. It had all kinds of information in them, includng information about sex. Also, I went to this thing called a school, which had these old people which taught you things, and one of the things they taught was sex.
Another thing I discovered early on was that I had this thing called a mouth, and so I could ask questions when I did not understand something. It helped with relationships. Certainly AS did not interfere in the sexua and vocational aspects of my life or of any of the Aspies I know. Posted by Aspie Guy on November 18, at 5: In that case, I, personally, am shocked that you are here and not having tea with Stephen Hawking to discuss your high IQ. Posted by Harriet May on November 18, at 6: Maybe you should have taken out the books on how not be be so self aggrandinzing? They have those books, too, you know.
Posted by justamouse on November 26, at Were you just kidding? How do you know you have Asperger? Or could you elaborate more? Because there are many people with Asperger that could benefit from knowing how you and others you know with Asperger have managed this. And no, I am not kidding. Please elaborate. Posted by Mark on January 29, at 2: To the High IQ guy: Yes, I think You have Aspergers. Due to: You are learning from books and movies — thus acting our scripts. I am not Asp. I am married to a male that is. Thus I belong to a forum where woman discuss a lot of sexual problems they have with Asp men.
So, yes, be careful: Make sure you listen closely to what a woman is telling you then. Can you do two things at once in bed? Play with 2 parts of her, or one at a time? Just helping you out with info….